In Memoriam (A songfic)
by Fettkat
Summary: The last I have to say on the subject, I swear! A song sung blue.


**_[ A/N: Ok, I know I'm a little obsessed with this subject, but I swear this is the last I have to say on it! Wasn't sure whether or not I shouold post this, but decided to take the plunge anyway._**

**_I recommend listening to the song, Light Years by Pearl Jam while reading this fic. It'll hit you with double force that way. _**  
**_Find it here: /38Sc4riAVVk _**  
**_MAJOR MAJOR TISSUE ALERT! Like, HOWLER WARNING!]_**

_I've used hammers made out of wood_  
_I have played games with pieces and rules_  
_I undeciphered tricks at the bar_  
_But now you're gone, I haven't figured out why_

Ben Skywalker made his way down the row, looking for an empty seat.  
"This taken?"

Leia Organa Solo looked up in surprise, her eyes subdued and sorrowful for once.  
"No. But I didn't think you would be coming."

Ben flopped down.  
"Somebody had to."

Leia reached for his hand. Ben let her, but didn't return her comforting squeeze.  
His face remained heavy and carefully expressionless.  
"How's Luke?"

Ben didn't respond for a second and then silently shook his head.  
"We just had a blow-out about me coming here."

Leia swallowed past a lump in her throat.  
"I guessed he might not want to come."

"I told him he was being selfish."

"Ben!" Leia exclaimed in shock, looking towards her nephew, "How could you?!"

Ben's eyes flashed.  
"Because he is! Aunt Leia, not everybody's as understanding as you. I mean, it's been a year. He needs to come out of his shell or he'll never be able to come out at all! He's acting like he's the only one who lost her. But he's not. I lost her too! We all lost her."  
He scrubbed angrily at his eyes, forcing back the tears that were desperate to leak out of them.

Leia wanted so badly to gather him up in her arms and soothe him, but found that she couldn't. He, too, was wrapped up tightly in a defensive shell of hurt and grief.  
Instead, they both stared ahead towards the podium at the head of the Great Hall of the Jedi Temple, where all who had once known her had come to share memories and reminiscences on the first anniversary of the death of Mara Jade Skywalker.

_I've come up with riddles and jokes about war_  
_I've figured out numbers and what they're for_  
_I've understood feelings and I've understood words_  
_But how could you be taken away?_

He sat through family and friends recounting stories, reminiscing, even breaking down and shedding tears, but grew ever-increasingly restless. Dad should have been here! Only his presence could have made these proceedings meaningful.

His fight with his father had gotten under his skin, and it rankled. He knew he hadn't meant what he'd said, but he was so worried these days about him. Dad was slipping and Ben was trying his best to bring things back to the way they had been. Because if he couldn't, he didn't know how to handle this new situation, where he felt stranded and lost and so terribly alone, where he could barely recognize the man he called 'Dad', and where there was no Mom to take control and make everything all right.  
And although he adamantly refused to acknowledge it, Ben Skywalker knew, deep in his heart, nothing would ever be alright again.

_And wherever you've gone_  
_And wherever we might go_  
_It don't seem fair... Today just disappeared_  
_Your light's reflected now, reflected from afar_  
_We were but stones, your light made us stars_

* * *

As the proceedings drew to a close, Leia Organa Solo stepped up to the podium and cast a last look out over the assembly.  
In her sombre and dignified tone, she announced,  
"If there is anyone else who would like to say anything further about Mara...I would request you to come up now. Or else it is time we drew things to a close."

As if of its own accord, Ben felt his hand go up. The entire hall turned to look at him as one and suddenly, he felt extremely small and frightened. His aunt might have been surprised, but she didn't show it, only gently inclining her head to beckon him forward.  
His feet walked him slowly down the aisle, his throat going dry and his mind going blank.  
_What am I going to say? What do I even have to say?_

He gripped the edges of the podium to steady himself, feeling edgy and awkward.  
"I- uh..." he cleared his throat, his voice coming out altogether too gruff.  
"I- uh, just want to thank you all for-for coming and- and sharing all your special memories of my Mom."

He attempted a shaky smile, but didn't entirely succeed. He looked down at his hands.  
"It's hard to believe she's really gone. I... still find it so hard to talk about her. It seems I can never really find the right words..."

His vision swam alarmingly, but he swallowed hard and looked up.  
"If you all wouldn't mind, I find that sometimes what cannot be put into words comes out better in song. This is something I've been meaning to dedicate to her memory for a while now, but I hadn't found the right moment... before this."

He looked out at his audience, searching for someone.  
"Val? I'm going to need your help with this one."

_With heavy breath, awakened regrets_  
_Back pages and days alone that could have been spent, together..._  
_But we were miles apart_  
_Every inch between us becomes light years now_  
_No time to be void or save up on life_  
_You got to spend it all..._

_And wherever you've gone_  
_And wherever we might go_  
_It don't seem fair... You seem to like it here_  
_Your light's reflected now, reflected from afar_  
_We were but stones, your light made us stars_

* * *

It was the perfect ending to the memorial service and by the time he made his way out of the hall, there were very few dry eyes within. Tears had bathed his face as well while singing, but he hadn't done anything to stop them. They had felt cleansing.

He hadn't wanted to be accosted by anyone after it, and so he had quietly slipped away into a little antechamber off the side of the Great Hall, waiting for all the attendees to leave. He sat there, on a small bench, his hands clasped tightly in front of him, his eyes staring unseeing at the floor, the sudden silence deafening in his ears.

"Hey."

He almost jumped when he heard the soft voice at the doorway.  
"Dad! I-I didn't sense you..."

Luke Skywalker nodded a weary head, coming to join his son on the bench.  
"I didn't want you to."

Ben was still staring at his father, unable to believe he had actually come to join him.  
"I heard your song."

He swallowed in a dry throat.  
"It was... beautiful, Ben. I- I'm sorry. I never tried to understand the depth of your feelings..."

"No, Dad. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled at you...I- I didn't mean it... "  
He hung his head, fidgeting with his belt. He heard his father let out a soft sigh.

"Son, you were right. I was being selfish. I was trying to appropriate all the grief for Mara's death to myself, not realizing that there are others out there who cared for her almost as much as I did."

He attempted a wan smile at his son, but it did nothing to deflect the pain in his eyes.  
"You're being so brave about this, Ben. Even though I know you must be hurting just as bad, you're not allowing yourself to go to pieces like I am. What does that say about me as a father?"

Ben wanted nothing more than to pull his father to himself in a tight hug, but didn't know how to begin.  
"It's ok, Dad. I- I understand."

"No. You shouldn't. I haven't been there for you when you needed me the most, and I'm not proud of myself for it. You... have every right to be angry with me."

Ben looked at him in shock, his chest stabbing with pain that he'd made his father think that.  
Hesitantly he reached out, laying a hand on Luke's knee.  
"I'm not angry with you, Dad. I just want you to try and get on with your life. Don't you think that's what Mom would have wanted us to do?"

At this Luke actually smiled, a real smile, not the barely-there attempts, and Ben was struck at how much of the care it took away from his face. For a moment, he felt he could almost catch a glimpse of his old Dad.

"What do you think your Mom would say if she could see us now?"

Ben swallowed and made a feeble attempt at humour.  
"She'd make us haul our asses back home and yell at us until we saw sense?"

"Probably worse. She'd draw a vibroblade on me, seeing as to how little care I've taken of you, and teach me to get my priorities straight."

"I don't need to be taken care of, Dad. I'm old enough to take care of myself."

Luke studied the young man sitting beside him thoughtfully.  
"Don't you think you still need Mom?"

Ben looked at him, surprise sparking in his eyes.  
"Well, yeah...of course I do."

"Then you still need me. And I'm going to make a promise to you, Ben. That I'm going to do all I can from now on to get back on my feet and be the dad you need me to be. I would never forgive myself if you ended up suffering for my negligence or... if it drove you away from me."

Ben had no words. He furiously rubbed his nose, not able to look his dad in the eyes anymore.  
But Luke understood, and he reached out to wrap him in his arms and hold him close, completing the action, he realized, they should have done a long time ago.

_And wherever you've gone_  
_And wherever we might go_  
_It don't seem fair... Today just disappeared_  
_Your light's reflected now, reflected from afar_  
_We were but stones, your light made us stars_

** THE END**

**[A/N 2: The lyrics are taken from the song "Light Years" by Pearl Jam. It does not belong to me! This is in the sense of a tribute to a beloved Star Wars character and the song which is a personal favourite. No copyright infringement intended!]**


End file.
